Why do I run?

Last week the alarm went off and I just stared at it for a moment. The realization that I was back to work seemed sudden and a little jarring. The 4:30 wake up call was very hard and when I found myself standing on the treadmill at the gym 30 minutes later I wasn't feeling any better. The three mile run was slow and sluggish and the whole time I kept looking down at the time and distance hoping and willing it to move faster. As I barely made it through the three miles I asked myself the question - why do I run?

In wasn't until recently that I used to despise running. It was to the point that if I saw someone running I would say that person is miserable and they are only pretending to be enjoying it. With our life turned upside down and turned into chaos by cancer I needed an outlet. Something and somewhere that I could escape the sadness, pain, and uncertainty. So I turned to the most unlikely source, running. I started out with running shorter distances and quickly fell in love with the rush of endorphins that come from completing a PR in time or distance. The pain I felt was swallowed up with each step. I had a place to find peace and to be able to think. The more I ran the better I felt. So I continued to run and challenge myself with longer distances. Completing the longer distances led to a sense of accomplishment. Learning how to push through barriers in running and learning how to dig deep to persevere has helped immensely with our families circumstances and in life. 

I needed almost everyday last week to get back into the running routine while being back at work. It wasn't until the last run of the week that I felt the joy of running, the endorphins, the sense of accomplishment and I was reminded of why I run. 

I run not because it is easy. I run because it is hard. I run because it helps me deal with challenging situations. It is through running that I get closer to the person that I want to be. 

There are several people that I want to thank for helping me with my running journey. The first is Jenna, who is the strongest and bravest person I know. She pushes through barriers each and every day and sets an example for me. Two colleagues come to mind as they have shared their experiences and I have learned quite a bit from them as well as being inspired by their journey as runners. The Two Gomers have been a source of laughter and encouragement. Their podcast is relatable, inspirational, and funny. I highly recommend it to any runner or someone who is just starting out on their running journey. 

Trust

As I turn the page on 2018 and look ahead to 2019 I think about my journey this past year and all of the things that have happened - the good, the bad, and the unexpected. It was a hard year in many ways. We made the difficult decision to downsize and sell the house that our girls have called home for the last 13 years. The house that Jenna and I built with the hope that it would be filled with cherished memories for our girls and one day grandkids. With Jenna coming off of her surgery and chemo from ovarian cancer at the end of 2017 and working to gain a new sense of normal we realized the big house was too much and while we had originally thought this would be our forever home it didn't make sense to stay.

The late winter and early spring was filled with getting the house ready to sell and to try and find a new home. We focused our efforts on townhouses and after being disappointed in the options after seeing many places we finally found one that we thought would work. The rest of the spring we got ready to move and get rid of things we didn't need or couldn't take with us. For our girls this was a painful process and it was hard to watch them struggle to let go of their home and their rooms.

Shortly after moving into the townhouse and after making some of the cosmetic changes we found out that Jenna had a recurrence with her cancer. She started chemo at the end of July and just finished in December. It took a toll on her as she battled to stay positive and to be able to be a great mom and spouse.

While we faced some big challenges in 2018 it wasn't all bad. Aleigh and I visited the University of Illinois and she loved it. She was recently awarded a scholarship for their College of Fine and Applied Arts summer intensive and we are incredibly proud of her. Caitlin is taking three high school class as an eight grade student and is doing very well. Cait and I  enjoyed the summer by powering through all of the Marvel movies to prepare for Avengers Infinity War which she loved. I took the challenge of running my first half marathon and enjoyed that so much I ran a second five weeks later.

My journey, and our journey as a family, has lead me to learn to let go and to try and stop controlling certain outcomes. Life has a way of teaching this lesson and for us we have certainly have been repeat students. My word for this year is trust. I spent a few weeks thinking about what word will have the most meaning for me this year and I landed on trust. It fits on a personal and professional level. It fits with my spiritual growth, it fits with our journey through Jenna's cancer treatment and recovery.

Trust, to me, means not only taking the leap of faith but understanding that the leap will result in a positive result. I trust that the work we will be doing in our school will have a positive impact on our teachers and students. I trust the doctors and their care for Jenna. I trust that the training I will do will result in a faster time for my next half marathon. I trust that God will not forsake us. I trust that even if our family faces unforeseen obstacles this year we will still find joy and happiness.

When it really comes down to it I don't think I had an option for another word. With the struggles and obstacles we have faced as a family and my limited ability to try and fix those things I am learning to understand the importance of trust.