Culture Code - a review

There are times that we pick up a book and can't put it down because every page, paragraph, or sentence offers a nugget of truth or information that is new to us. The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle is one of those books for me. Culture, leadership, collaboration, belonging, vulnerability, growth, happiness, fulfillment are all interconnected in my mind. You can't belong to a winning team without feeling connected and feel like you belong. We have all had experiences in life where that has rung true. We have also had experiences where we have been on loosing teams and we don't feel connected.

The author explores the keys to building culture through stories of successful businesses, teams, leaders, and through research that is being done by neurocientists and sociologists. He breaks the book down into three sections or skills: build safety; share vulnerability; establish purpose. Building safety is a key piece creating a positive culture. People need to know that this is a safe environment and it only takes one individual to create an unsafe environment.

That got me thinking how can I build safety. The author points out that " building safety isn't the kind of skill you can learn in a robotic, paint-by-numbers sort of way. It's a fluid, improvisational skill-sort of like learning to pass a soccer ball to teammate during a game." Coyle does provide a few tips on creating safety through dialing in to small, subtle moments.

• Over communicate your listening
• Spotlight you fallibility early on - especially if you're a leader.
• Embrace the messenger
• Preview future connections
• Overdo thank-yous
• Be patient in the hiring process
• Eliminate bad apples
• Create safe, collision-rich spaces
• Make sure everyone has a voice
• Pick up trash
• Capitalize threshold moments
• Avoid giving sandwich feedback
• Embrace Fun

This is a long list of tips and it easy to get bogged down when considering where to begin or knowing there a few things that are more challenging given the role you may have in an organization. For  me I want to focus on a few of these in the coming months and reflect on my progress.

Here are the ones I want to work on:

Over communicate my listening - by avoiding interruptions and by being improving my listening posture.

Over do thank-yous - because it has less to do with the thanks and more to do with affirming the relationship.

Pick up trash - develop the mindset of seeking simple ways to serve the group.

Avoid giving sandwich feedback - handling negatives and positives should happen in different settings and the sandwich approach leads to confusion.

Connection

Shortly after we moved and slightly before Jenna's recurrence I wanted to find a way to connect with my youngest daughter, Caitlin, and do something fun with her. It was about the same time Avengers: Infinity War was in the theater and I asked her if she wanted to go see it. Now you need to understand that she has been an avid DC comic fan and hadn't seen any of the Marvel movies. For a few years I tried to get her to to switch her allegiance to Marvel, but she held firm in her belief that DC was better then Marvel. 

This time she took the bait with one exception. She wanted to watch all the Marvel movies in order before going to see Avengers: Infinity War. So we set off an a movie watching marathon over the course of three and a half weeks. We watched every movie in the franchise except for The Incredible Hulk. That meant we needed to watch seventeen movies. We ended up watching all seventeen in roughly 24 days. It was kind of crazy that almost every night we geared up for a movie. 

We streamed them, rented them from the library, and borrowed them. Sometimes it was just the two of us and sometimes it was the whole family. I had already seen most the movies, but it was something special to watch her see the movies for the first time. At first see was definitely Team Iron Man. However, as time went on she was she joined Team Captain because of her like of the Winter Soldier, Bucky. In fact she had grown to really connect with the characters. 

As we made our way through all of the movies the anticipation of seeing Infinity War grew. I am not sure who was more excited. We both already knew the spoilers before going into the movie. Caitlin was already thinking she would have a really hard time with the ending of the movie and yet she was still wanting to watch it. True enough she cried at the end of the movie and the entire car ride home. She loved the movie and talked about it constantly for several days. 

A few days later she gave me a hand written note thanking me for watching all of the Marvel movies with her. The note was so touching and I realized she had enjoyed the entire experience as much as I did. 

Connecting is the foundation for relationships. As we start the year think about the students that you have in your school and in your classrooms. How can you connect with them? What crazy adventure will you take your class on this year? How will you make this year a memorable one for them? At the end of the year how will your students feel?

Stressed

As we wind down the year we enter into a stressful time of year. Stress can cause us to loose empathy and understanding as we are wrapped up in our own worlds. I know for me this is definitely true as I go all out to tackle the to do list thinking that once I get done I can relax. Maybe that is my way of coping or trying to take some level of control.

To add to the normal end of the year stress we are in the midst of moving and packing up a house we lived in for 15 years. We also decided to have the floors replaced, rooms painted, and have the house painted in the new house. Talk about biting of more than you can chew.

As we moved along in this process we realized we could save money by doing some things ourselves so we decided to rip up the current flooring, replace the lighting in kitchen and dining room, and paint several rooms, add shiplap to the powder room and laundry room, and move 72 boxes of flooring up two flights of stairs (as I looked at the delivery slip it weighed over 2,000 pounds).

Needless to say I have stretched myself way too thin. I haven't been getting home until way after 11:00 every night for the past week and a half. I totally missed encouraging and coaching Aleigh about an interview for an internship she had today. Our current home is a disaster zone with boxes and bins strewn everywhere. My need to get things done and try and take control has left me exhausted and not able to see what is happening around me.

I wonder how many times it will take me to learn that getting wrapped up in the stress and chaos doesn't work for me or anyone else. I stop doing the things that matter, like investing in others, especially my kids.

Let's hope that this is the last time.

Moving

Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything seemed to go wrong and the more you tried to fix things the worse they seemed to get? Well last week was one of those weeks and in the midst of that our family made one of our hardest decisions. We came to terms with the fact that we need to sell our house and downsize. After dozens of conversations and wrestling with the idea of moving we decided to put our house on the market.

Jenna won't be going back to work full time and most likely not even part time. The recovery from surgery and chemotherapy has been more challenging than either of us anticipated. With that in mind we were faced with some very big decisions. Do we continue living in the only house our girls have called home or move to a new house so that we can continue to enjoy new and exciting experiences and make lasting memories? As we contemplated this decision it became clear over time that we want to build lasting memories. We value building those memories rather than things.

I wish I could say that we are super upbeat about our decision and looking at new houses that are half our size, but I would be lying. I wish I could say that both of our girls are okay, but that is not the truth. Their world is once again being turned upside down. We know that once the dust settles we all will be okay and I think that there is a little part of each of us that is excited about a new adventure.

It makes me think of the students that we come across that are constantly moving and how that uncertainty impacts them, or the students who have little voice in their families, or the students who don't have their own space to think or create. It is easy to assume that our students are doing well because they show up and do what we ask, yet beneath the surface it may be a huge struggle for them just to be there. We need to connect with our students and with each other to listen, to understand, to build trust so that we can create amazing schools and amazing classrooms. We may not be able to  change our circumstances or the circumstances of our students, but what we can do for our students is to model how we handle difficult situations. We can teach them that it is okay to be vulnerable and to trust others. We can teach them that they don't have to do it all alone.

While this post was not the easiest to write, I do feel it was important to write as I continue to reflect on how effective I am as the school leader. Am I modeling and teaching to our students and staff how to deal with adversity? Am I really connecting with all of our students and staff or am I too wrapped up in my own stuff? Maybe by writing this post I can begin to do that and I know that moving isn't the end. It is the beginning that will offer new experiences and new memories. That is my hope.

I am a nerd

The other day our youngest daughter was talking about an experience she had in school where the students wrote down all of the negative things they have been told on  index cards and the teacher then took them through an activity where they let go of these negative statements. The students "let go" of the negative comments so that they could begin to hear the positive comments. One of the negative comments that my daughter wrote down was that she was a nerd. It made me think about the word nerd and all the negativity surrounding the word.

Sure, when we think of nerd the images of George McFly or Sheldon Cooper come to mind. The socially awkward, science guy who is in his own world. But, aren't we all a little bit nerdy? We all have interests or passions that we pursue to the point we may be called names like  techie, bookworm, sports geek, skater, meathead, Trekkie, or Parrothead. These are just few of the names to groups of people that are labeled for their passions. 

One of my biggest passions is learning. Over the last couple of years I started to listen to podcasts when I am running, on the elliptical machine, or on my commute. I started listening to podcast on education, leadership, and history. This lead to other discoveries and new podcasts to listen to. I am drawn in by the stories, history, and for the sake of learning something I didn't know anything about.  As I was driving my daughter to a friends house I was near the end of a podcast on hang gliding and she gave me a look like what are you listening to? And why are you listening to it?  I realized at that point I am a bit of a nerd. I like to learn about new and different topics. I love to read about leadership and culture. My wife and I are fascinated by documentaries and we talk about them for weeks after watching them. I enjoy learning for the sake of learning. 

I was never a good student growing up and it wasn't until college that I did well. I wonder if that is because I didn't want to be labeled as a nerd or maybe I thought that being smart or doing well in school was uncool. As a dad to two teenage daughters I am way past trying to be cool and I know that I am a bit nerdy, but I am okay with that. 

I do wonder about the students that we work with and if they feel comfortable enough to embrace and pursue their passions.  Do we support them? encourage them? advocate for them? celebrate them? Or do we allow others to make those devastatingly negative comments that cut to the core? I love being a principal and  knowing that every day I have the opportunity to connect with students and help them pursue their passions. Perhaps it is the fact that I have embraced my nerdiness and that I am comfortable in my own skin that helps me connect with students on their level. 

I do know that we need to help students find their passions and celebrate those passions. I believe it starts with knowing and embracing your own passions. 

So, are you a nerd? a techie? a bookworm? a sports geek? or a skater?

Try, try, try again.

Here is the third and final part of a three part series exploring the connection between failure, vulnerability, and the importance of iteration. The previous parts were focused on the importance of learning from failure and how vulnerability is a strength.

Part One - Failure

Part Two - Vulnerability is May Strength

Part Three - Try, Try, Try Again

With choosing to be vulnerable we open ourselves up for risk taking and hopefully greater success. We also open up ourselves for things not working out as we would hope and not meeting our goal or failing to succeed with an initiative. Carol Dweck shares that "failure can be painful experiences. But it doesn't define you." Being vulnerable and failure are both key components in learning and growth. Yet, we often shy away from being open to learning from failure. 

My daughter, Caitlin, gave me the video game Injustice: Gods Among Us for Christmas and we played the game over winter break. As I continued to get beat by Caitlin I realized that the only way to get better was to try, try, try again. I am not a gamer and I don't play video games often enough to have an innate understanding of how to use the controller. I needed several iterations and tutorials to have some understanding of how to use multiple buttons in the right sequence in order for my superhero character to do special moves. Video games are designed and played by gamers, or in my case a novice, with the understanding that the player will fail multiple times in order to understand how to ultimately win the game. 

Prior to break I visited a fourth grade classroom where students were exploring "energy" The students were working in groups to try and create different ways to get a marble to end up in a cup. In talking with the students and observing their progress it was obvious that students were not afraid to try a method, fail, try another method, fail, and this continued until they were successful. Failing was a huge part of the learning that was happening.

In Simon Sinek's book, Start With Why, he shares about the Wright brothers and how they would take five sets of spare parts each time they attempted to fly their plane because they knew that is how many trials they would attempt for the day. They started each day knowing they would fail, but also learn through that process, until ultimately they were successful with the first flight. 

One of my favorite videos for inspiration is of Heather Dorniden running the 600 meter race at the 2008 Big Ten Indoor Championship. The runners complete three laps and she falls heading into the last lap.

In an interview Heather talked about finishing the race. "The last 50 meters, I hit a gear that I never knew I had." If she had not had learned perseverance and the importance of learning from past failures she would never have reached her potential.

In order to be our best we must be vulnerable to take risks where we may fail, but those failures become lessons in which we learn to get back up and try again.

Grateful

As I have reflected on the past year and began to think about my #oneword2018 I was contemplating a handful of words. There is no doubt that 2017 was a challenging year and to be completely honest I was beginning to harbor some anger and frustration. Jenna's diagnosis and treatment was our main focus for most of the year and we missed out on many things this past year and our lives will forever be changed. It is easy to become bitter or angry with the fact that we missed out on a year long planned vacation with friends, that we couldn't celebrate our anniversary in the crazy creative ways we have had in the past, and we didn't enjoy the quiet summer evenings on the patio.

In 2018 I want to be grateful at home, at school, and in life. I know that this will take intentional practice and letting go of the things that I cannot control. It starts with making a list of the things in my life that I am grateful for and realizing how blessed I am.

Here is a start.


Home

Jenna - I am married to my best friend. She has been my rock, inspiration, confidant, she continues to offer an enourmous amount of encouragement, and is the love of my life.

Aleigh - She is a tremendous student, gifted artist, soon to be driver, and a sensitive, caring, thoughtful young lady.

Caitlin - Crazy smart, quietly competitive, confident, almost teenager, compassionate, and a Star Wars and DC Comic loving kid.

I am grateful that I have three wonderful girls that bring love, joy, and laughter to my life.

School

Everyday that I come to work I get the opportunity to interact with our students and know that in some small way I am making a difference. I have the privilege of leading dedicated, caring teachers who truly enjoy what they do. I am grateful that I work in an excellent school district that is in a great community.

Life

As we have been busy decluttering our crawl space I came across two photographs that brought back memories. The first was a picture of myself and others from a mission trip I took to the Czech Republic where we taught English to high school students. It made me think of all the other mission trips I took and the summers I spent volunteering as a camp counselor at Silver Birch Ranch in Wisconsin. I am grateful for these experiences as they provided the foundation for my passion of making a difference in the lives of students.

The second was a picture of my grandfather and me standing by my car in Arizona after I graduated from college. He, along with my grandmother, drove across the country to see me graduate. He celebrated the accomplishments of his grand kids and he was so proud of all of us. I am grateful that he showed me the importance of family and celebration.

As I wrote this post I am reminded that we all have struggles and situations in our lives that are challenging. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react - John Maxwell. I choose to be grateful.